Like a horror movie that leaves me shook up for days. Time slowed down as I focused in on her mouth as those ugly words spewed out. I felt I had been hit over the head with one of those foam therapy bats because the shit came out of nowhere. We were simply having a friendly conversation about relationships as she said it. I knew after it was uttered I would never look at her the same. I would wonder if she needed to be clinically admitted with a psyche evaluation. “ I DON’T DATE BLACK MEN.” I cringed while gritting my teeth. Shoulders up with my mouth askew. She immediately knew her words had affected me. “ Let me explain before you flip out” were her next words but the damage was already done. I have heard this story time and time again by various beautiful shades of melanin women. The doggification ( yeah I made that word up ), rejection, generalization, and rudimentary disdain for black men. She told me she had been married before for several years and was divorced. FLAG ONE ( coming from a place of hurt). All the black men she had encountered since moving here justed wanted to be ‘kept men”. FLAG TWO ( you attract what you give out). The men she had met wanted to play games and weren’t honest about their intentions. FLAG THREE. ( you set the tone of the relationship)
I explained to her that respectable black men do exist and it wasn’t some myth or urban legend floating around in the black community. Of course, I expected she would ask do I know of any single, good, black men that are available. It took me aback because I’m married. Next year will be a solid ten years of marriage for us. I’m not in that single phase of my life so no I don’t have five or six brothers in my back pocket on reserve waiting in the background for when my husband fucks up. I’m in a different phase of my life, but I completely understood where she was coming from. If it wasn’t a myth where were these unicorn “good black men” hiding? To be honest, they are all around. If you take the permanent scowl off your face and ditch the attitude, you might catch him at Starbucks. If you’re open to finding love, he might be picking out fresh fruit at Sprouts or Publix. He may even be in your office, but you are so blinded by the hate of what some other brother did you can’t even see him sitting next to you in your quarterly meetings. “ I’m open to love now,” she says, while I’m secretly already done with the conversation in my head, but she continues to keep talking. How can you be a godly woman and open to love but seal off a door where love may quickly present itself? There are millions of men in the world and millions of black men. How do the actions of a couple of bad apples make you generalize an entire race?
To me, it’s almost like race shaming. A feeling of hating yourself so badly that you’re deflecting to a more safe race that you can relate to more. White ? But look in the mirror girlfriend because you are black. The same way the world has this stereotype of this thuggish, hoodrat, ghetto, uneducated, criminal of a black man is the same thing us black women are doing to them. I’m not here to judge anyone. Hackblackmarriage is about love, commitment, honesty, and loyalty to black relationships. I will never give up on the black man. I love the intellect of black men. I love how they challenge us to do better as women. I love the black man’s swagger; only he can rock Timberlands one day and a fresh three piece suit the next day. I love his strength and vulnerability in the arms of the right woman. I love the many shades of blue-black, midnight, chocolate, honey, caramel, almond, and milk chocolate God has blessed them in. We as black women need to learn to love the black man. Even if you have come across a few rotten apples, don’t let them speak for the actual nature of a complete God fearing, strong, intelligent, sensitive, caring, and sexy as hell black man. Just as there are some bad black men out there, there are some evil, conniving, thot, low class, black women out there. Stop blaming bad black men and also take some responsibility in the failed relationship for yourself. Are you a whole person who has no baggage, flaws, or issues when entering any relationship? We are all beautifully flawed in some way. Some black men do need healing and self-improvement but so do we as black women.
I walked back to my desk as she says to me “ that’s why I’m on internationalmatch.com, I want anything but a black man.” “ Goodluck to you, “ I said while sitting down at my desk. If you are in an interracial relationship, I wish you well. If you are in a black relationship, I wish you well. I wish love upon everyone because love is the closest to God we can get. I will, however, NEVER give up on the black man. As a black woman, I know HE was made for me.